http://www.bbc.co.uk/parenting/your_kids/primary_siblings.shtml#when_a_new_baby_joins_the_family
SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS
Clare Halsey
Getting on together
It's normal for brothers and sisters to get along some of the time and to fall out the rest. Sibling relationships are the testing ground where children try out different ways of socialising with others and handling disagreements, shaping how they relate to others as teenagers and adults.
Teach good habits
- Praise them often when they're getting along. Avoid the temptation to keep out of the way while they play nicely then rush in with plenty of attention when they fall out - this accidentally rewards them for disagreeing.
- Set a good example. Seeing you get on well with others gives the right messages to your children. Alternatively, they will benefit from watching you sort out disagreements with others by talking things over, keeping calm and avoiding put-downs and aggression.
- Practise negotiation skills. Activities that involve taking turns and team games teach co-operation. Remind children to express their angry feelings through words rather than actions, and to come to an adult for help if they cannot sort out a conflict. Try to find compromise whenever you can, for example tape a TV show that clashes with another favourite, or get the children to agree to swap toys after a set period of time.
- Supervise them closely. This way you'll be around to notice when they get along, wait to see if they can sort out disagreements and step in if they can't.
Build up their empathy for others. When they understand how others feel children are more likely to get along. Ask questions that get them to think about other people's feelings, such as "How do you think Simon is feeling right now?" and "What would you feel if Emma messed up your game?" - Play fair. Make sure you treat children equally, don't always assume one is the troublemaker.
- Keep them occupied. Boredom boosts poor behaviour.
- Set up a diversion. Squabbling is often a big fuss about a little thing, so distract children with something more interesting to do.
Eldest, middle or youngest?
All children are unique, but birth order may make a difference to how your child acts and reacts. Eldest children tend to have a special place in the family: they may be leaders, more confident and serious than your other children. Youngest children can be more creative, charm and rebel, and can have a very affectionate nature.
Your middle child, however, has a less clear place in the family. They may feel left out and feel that they must compete for your attention. Your middle child will often find life unfair and tell you so in no uncertain terms.
There are advantages to being the middle child, they do make a close set of friends and often rely more on their friendships in the teenage years. They put effort into getting to know others and can be sensitive and understanding.
Handling the age gap
It can be difficult to find activities that are interesting and safe for children of different ages. Try introducing activities with different levels of interest or complexity. For example, children of all ages can find something to enjoy at the park or playground.
At home, arts and crafts, make believe and construction toys can involve lots of different levels of skill and detail. If you choose an activity that only appeals to the elder child then slot in some time for a simpler game that the younger child can enjoy. Set elder children the task of teaching or helping the younger to play a game. Sometimes, acting the big brother or sister can boost your older child’s sense of importance in the family.
Younger children can find it hard to understand why older children seem to have extra privileges such as staying up later, going on sleepovers etc. Explain that these privileges will come as your younger child grows.
Don’t give in, there are good reasons older children are allowed more, for example, physically they need less sleep, they have greater independence skills and so on. Meet claims of "it’s not fair" with firmness and understanding, and point out the advantages of being younger, such as less pressure to help around the house, tidy up and so on.
When a new baby joins the family
While you are in the first flush of love for your newborn, your other children may be a bit less certain about the recent arrival. Your children will enjoy the baby if they play an important part in preparing and caring for their new brother or sister.
Before your baby's born get them involved by helping to pick some names, taking part in redecorating the baby's bedroom or choosing gifts for the baby. Afterwards they may like to help by fetching the nappies and bringing the baby clothes as you need them.
Things will go more smoothly if you can take some time every day to have fun with your older children so they can be the centre of attention and feel you love them just as much as before.
You can expect older children to take a couple of steps back in their development when a new baby arrives. They may ask for your help to do things they can usually manage alone or become more tearful than before.
Take this in your stride, it's a normal reaction to your new baby arriving and will lessen as family life settles into routine.
Tips
- Spend even a short time one to one with each child each day.
- Praise and pay more attention when children behave well and co-operate than when they fall out.
- Supervise more than you expect to.
- Be a good role model, get on with others and sort out conflicts by negotiation.
- Step in when it is clear that children cannot sort out their conflict.
- Stay calm, your soothing tone of voice and posture will help them listen to you and behave well.
