http://www.bbc.co.uk/parenting/your_kids/toddlers_listentalk1.shtml
Listening and talking
Eileen Hayes
The importance of listening
It's important to encourage all your child's early attempts at speaking and never to make fun of them when they get it wrong, as this could put them off trying.
Give names to all the things your child points to. It's by copying the sounds and words you make - "that's your cup" or "there's a car" - that he learns most of his language.
Listening tips
- Read together - this helps to develop words, language and listening skills.
- Find special times to listen - this may be at bedtime or while your child's in the bath.
- Show you're interested in listening - ask open questions and give prompts to help your child continue.
- Give your full attention - don't just listen while you do something else. It can also help to get down to your child's level. If you're unable to give your full attention straight away say: "I just need to put this washing in the machine, then I'll come and listen to you."
- Be patient - it can take small children time to sort out what they want to say. Don't interrupt too quickly or rush to speak for your child.
- Show an interest - look at creative drawings and listen to stories your child wants to tell you.
- Be sympathetic and ready to listen - when your child's upset, explain to him how to express negative feelings using words.
They can't wait. Toddlers hate waiting and may forget what they were trying to say. If you're busy and know your child wants to talk to you, say something such as: "I'll be with you in a minute. I just have to finish this phone call."
They keep interrupting. Everything is immediate in your toddler's world. What he has to tell you is probably important to him, but if you're busy it's OK to tell him that he'll have to wait until later. If this happens often, though, you might want to think about whether your toddler is getting enough attention at other times.
They don't want to talk. Parents often say their toddlers won't tell them about their day at nursery or a visit to a friend's house. Ask open questions that don't just require a yes or no answer, and give gentle encouragement by prompting, reflecting back what he says and showing you're interested.
They never seem to stop talking. By the time they're three years old, most children are in a phase of asking endless questions. Answer as patiently as you can - your responses are helping your child learn. And appreciate this stage while it lasts: only small children think you have all the answers.
They're always whining. Don't fall into the trap of always responding to whining and give positive attention when he speaks normally.
They communicate without words. Sometimes children can't find the right words to explain how they're feeling. Watch your child's behaviour and think about what he might be trying to express. Behaving badly often means that a child is feeling bad, for example.
Talking with toddlers
Small children are very literal and believe what you tell them, so avoid saying things such as "you're stupid". Be positive with words and tell your child what he should do, not what he shouldn't. Say "please put the cup down" instead of "stop playing with that cup".
Praise and emphasise your child's good points as much as possible.
Talk with your toddler about absolutely everything around you - "we're putting on our shoes now" for example, or "the rain is starting".This is how he learns most language.
Talking tips
- Talk to (not at) your child - allowing time for a response. Giving complicated instructions or not addressing your child directly can mean that what you're saying might not be understood.
- Don't use negative labels - avoid the use of labels such as "slow coach" or "lazy bones". These can turn out to be self-fulfilling prophecies.
- Be positive - use kind, not hurtful, words and laugh with your children, never at them.
- Be sympathetic - if your child falls and hurts himself, don't say: "It's nothing." Take the time to listen and offer kind words.
- Never criticise - when you don't like his behaviour, say: "I don't like it when you...". And don't criticise yourself with comments such as "I can't get anything right". This can send negative messages to your children and make them feel insecure.
- Avoid guilt trips - don't say things such as: "How could you not eat the dinner I made specially for you?"
- Don't exaggerate situations - be specific about what you mean. If you make comments such as "you're always naughty" or "you never do anything right" it can make your child feel there's no point in trying as he can never please you.
- Don't compare - if you have more than one child, make an effort not to compare them negatively with each other. Acknowledge all your children's strengths
- Don't blame children - if you're feeling stressed, try to avoid saying things such as "you're always making me late" as it can damage your child's confidence.
- Use positive communication - this helps to build self-esteem and confidence. If an inevitable accident happens, say: "That was a bit too hard - good try, though" rather than "I knew you'd drop it".
Of course, it's not always possible to talk to your children in an ideal way - parents aren't perfect and children will also learn how to handle their mistakes from this.
The important thing is to say sorry when you get things wrong and to keep on trying. This teaches children a valuable lesson.
