YOUR KIDS AND THEIR GRANDPARENTS

http://www.parenthood.com/articles.html?article_id=2634

Understanding and Encouraging Grandparent-Grandchild Bond

When I was a kid, it never occurred to me that grandparents could not be a big part of someone’s life. I adored mine and thought they were even more wonderful because they lived halfway across the country. Wasn’t it that way for everyone?

At the time, of course, I didn’t know how lucky I was. Nor did I appreciate what a good job my parents did, putting so much effort into keeping that relationship strong and healthy, even long-distance.

So what exactly is that special grandparent-grandchild bond, and how can parents encourage it to flourish?

That Special Bond
"It’s a vital connection," says Arthur Kornhaber, M.D., founder and president of The Foundation for Grandparenting. "The bond between grandparents and grandchildren is second only to the parent-child bond. Grandparents and grandkids profoundly affect one another-- just because they exist! And grandparenting offers a template for being useful to all elders-- being a grandparent doesn’t necessarily take blood ties."

Kornhaber stresses that however this bond is constructed, "it’s psychologically and spiritually very different from the connection between parents and their children. There’s not as much psychological baggage attached. This bond is probably the most simple form of love that exists."

But simple doesn’t always mean easy. To maintain the connection, particularly if parents are overcoming obstacles like long distances or fairy-tale expectations—like, "why can’t my free-spirited Mom just bake cookies for my kids like real grandmas?"-- often takes effort.

Negotiate Roles, Then Communicate
" Today, there are as many ways to be a grandparent as there are grandparents," says Susan Bosak, the author of How to Build the Grandma Connection. "There’s no ‘right’ way, but it’s still important to negotiate the grandparent role within families."

"First, everyone has to believe that grandparents are an important part of the family," she says. And once the grandparent role is defined, "parents have to make grandparents feel welcome and send children positive messages about grandparents and the relationship."

Bosak identifies two key components of the grandparent-grandchild bond: regular contact and emotional attachment. This means making visits a priority even if distance is a factor, and keeping the grandparent involved in your child’s life, while encouraging the grandparent to share details of his or hers.

"Having a long-distance grandparent involves a bit more planning and creativity than if you live nearby," Bosak acknowleges, "but you can lay the foundation for a lifelong, close relationship wherever you live."

Kornhaber stresses the need for communicating and clearly outlining expectations, with the parent laying down the ground rules. "The parents are the linchpin of the connection," he says. "The parent educates the grandparent as to what the parent’s needs are."

Kornhaber recommends organizing family conferences. Parents and grandparents should talk from the birth of the child, or even before, if possible. "Start at the beginning and set the tone," he advises. But once everything’s on the table, "the trick for parents is to take it easy. Let the grandpa and grandma and the kids be alone and don’t worry about it!"

Grandparents give their grandchildren different ways of looking at things, "All of that diversity is good!" Kornhaber says.

So as a parent, if you disagree with some of the "diverse" approaches your mom and dad have to grandparenting, what’s important is how you handle it. "Kids are observing how their parents relate to their parents," Kornhaber says. "You’re setting up a model-- a flexible system of love, and acceptance of weirdness and quirks, that’s important for the future." Sometimes this requires changing the patterns we’ve already established. For example, if you talk to your parents once or twice a year, that may be OK for adults, says Kornhaber, "But it’s not OK for children. They need their grandparents to be in their daily lives, with phone calls and letters and faxes and e-mails."

Respect Differences in Personalities
Since every grandparent-grandchild relationship is as unique as the individuals involved, distance isn’t the only thing that can create a barrier.

Both Ken Rudman and June Scott, parents of two children, ages 3 and 5, were close to their grandparents growing up. So in raising their children, they believe it’s important to find a suitable grandparent role for each of their parents.

"I think it’s a question of setting expectations, understanding the personality of the grandparent," Rudman says.

Ken’s father-in-law, who passed away two years ago, "spent his whole life training to be a grandpa," he says. And Rudman’s own father, who lives a couple hours’ drive from the family, "never really liked kids. Even when we were kids. And I’ve talked with him about that. It’s just who he is. He’s not really a family-oriented guy."

"Right after my dad died," Scott adds, "I said, ‘Oh! We’ll just make Ken’s dad into the perfect grandpa! We’ll get the kids and go out and see him more and--’ He acted the way he always acts. Which isn’t necessarily bad!" she laughs. "He just wasn’t my father."

So they both relaxed a bit, and are working on ways that everyone’s comfortable with to include Ken’s dad in their family. "I want him to be more involved," Rudman says. "And I know that he wants to be more involved-- we talked about him feeling marginalized-- but he just doesn’t know how to ask."

"I think of it as something I’m doing for my kids, putting forth an effort to see him so that they realize that they have a grandfather," Scott adds.

"How someone grandparents is innate in the structure of who he or she is," explains Carol Filutze, a marriage and family counselor who works primarily with multigenerational family systems. "And every family has some level of dysfunction."

Working Out Parent-Grandparent Issues
When kids come on the scene, Filutze advises parents to think of it as an opportunity to improve their relationship with their own parents.

"Parents have an obligation to work at the relationship for the kids’ sake," she says. "The parents’ role is to have an honest conversation with themselves, take steps to resolve issues, and come to grips with limitations."

Filutze also stresses that although there’s a natural window in which to form the connection when your child is very young, it’s never too late to start working on it-- the grandparent-grandchild bond is extremely elastic.

"As a parent, you really have to step back and let the relationship unfold," she says. "When the mom and dad accept the process more, the bond between grandparent and grandchild will grow stronger. Give them the benefit of the doubt."

Dr. Kornhaber adds some final words of wisdom for parents to consider: "Children are a huge source of joy to grandparents, on a very, very deep level. But grandparents are people, so we get a whole spectrum of personality types. Remember, how you treat your parents will be mirrored back at you in years to come. It’s a lifelong thing.

— Jennie Webb