BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM

http://eqi.org/pare.htm#Other-esteem%20vs.%20self-esteem

To Build Self-Esteem and Bonding

Try to help your children feel:

Acknowledged, admired, appreciated, confident, trusted, needed, important, respected, approved of, heard, safe, supported, understood, independent, free, cared about, valued

Express your feelings rather than issuing commands.

Express your fears. Own them by taking responsibility for them.

Say: "I am afraid you will hurt yourself.", rather than "You are going to kill yourself if you keep that up!"

Take care of yourself. Don't try to get your emotional needs met through your children. That is emotional abuse just as having sex with them is sexual abuse.

Seek first to understand, then be understood.

Show understanding, compassion, empathy. Teach it, model it.

Remember that children are emotional sponges. Infants are pre-logical, all emotional. If you feel negative emotions, they will soak them up even if you try to hide them, so you must work on eliminating them. (the negative feelings, not the kids!)

Become aware of your facial expressions and tone of voice. These carry powerful emotional messages.

Express your regret when you feel it or when you make a mistake. Say: I feel bad about... Let them know it is okay to admit mistakes & normal to feel regret.

Ask their forgiveness. Help them learn to forgive themselves, rather than try to "teach them a lesson they will never forget."

To help them feel confident, don't underestimate them. Let them try more things on their own. Stand back and only offer assistance when it is sought. For example, when a toddler is trying to climb over a fence that his big brother just climbed over, don't just lift him up and put him down on the other side, as I saw a nanny do one day. Instead, stand behind him and make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Even let him fall a few more times than you think you "should." This is also how you help a child not feel overprotected, as many children do. I am amazed to see what happens when children are simply left alone to keep trying. They are incredibly persistent and resilient. They keep trying long after most adults would have given up. I suspect that we have actually been trained to give up and to seek assistance or expect someone else is going to come to the rescue.

Also, teach your older children to let the younger ones do things on their own. I once saw a pre-schooler struggling with buckling her shoes. Her older brother started to do it for her and I said, "Bradley, I think Mary will feel good if she can do that by herself." He said "okay" and soon after she succeeded on her own and briefly looked up to me for recognition. I gave her a wink and a smile to reinforce her proud feeling of accomplishment and independence. I find that sometimes parents exaggerate such small accomplishments and say "Spectacular!" I have mixed feelings about this. It might help a child feel more proud, but it also might set the child up to be approval seeking and externally motivated. It might also diminish the value of positive reinforcement over time, so I feel cautious about verbalizing too much approval, excitement etc. I would be especially cautious if it feels forced to you, as this could be subtly felt as insincerity by an intelligent, sensitive child. Psychologist Nathaniel Branden points out that some children, especially those who are already a bit insecure might think, "They must think I am really pathetic if they have to compliment me for that." Because I want to encourage children to be set their own standards, I tend to follow the child's lead. In other words, I wait to see how the child seems to feel about their effort. If they seem to want recognition, or show that they are proud, I will acknowledge them and their pride. But if they are content without my approval or recognition, I might simply smile to myself, knowing they are becoming independent human beings.