SELF-ESTEEM
Self-esteem is feeling good about yourself, feeling that you are a worthwhile person. While we all have doubts at times, it is important for children to feel OK about themselves most of the time. Self-esteem enables them to try new things without too much fear of failing, to reach out and make friends, and to manage problems they are likely to meet along the way. Good self-esteem builds a solid foundation for life.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is liking yourself. It is not conceit or boastfulness, but believing in yourself and what you do.
Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself as a person and knowing that there are things that you can do well - in other words it is about being and about doing.
Part of self-esteem is feeling that you have a place in the world where you belong - that you are part of a family where you matter. It is knowing about your roots and having confidence in your future. This can be a problem for children who have come from other countries and lost touch with their "roots". It can also be a problem for children who have been part of a family break up if they are split off from part of their family and the history of that part of the family.
Self-esteem is about what matters to you. If you want to be good at sport but everyone tells you that you are good at art, it will not help your self-esteem very much. If you get encouragement and help in something you want to do, and you succeed, your self-esteem will grow.
How self-esteem is developed
Babies
Very young babies don't have a sense of themselves as being separate human beings so they don't really have self esteem as such. They gradually learn that they are loved and lovable because people care for them gently, look after them when they cry and smile at them consistently. When this happens it says to the baby - "you matter in the world".
Toddlers
As infants grow to become toddlers, they still don't have a complete understanding about themselves. For example, if a one year old is standing on the end of a rope that she is trying to pull, she may not move her feet off the rope. This is because she doesn't yet realise that both the feet and the hands belong to her. One year olds still don't understand that all of their body and mind belong to them. Every time they learn a new skill they add to their sense of being able to do things and learning who they are.
When they say "No" they are really saying "I am learning that I am a separate person and this is very exciting and important for me. I can practise this by saying "No" even if I do want the icecream that you are giving me."
Toddlers learn about themselves by learning what they look like, what they can do and where they belong. They find it very difficult to share because they are just learning who they are and what is theirs.
Toddlers see themselves through their parents' eyes. If their parents see them as special and lovable and show them and tell them this often, they will develop self esteem. If they keep getting messages that they are not lovable or a nuisance they will not so easily develop self-esteem.
Pre-schoolers
By three or so children have learned that their bodies and minds are their own. They can manage time away from their parents or main caregivers because they have an inner sense of feeling safe. They still learn their self esteem in fairly physical ways, by comparing themselves with others, eg. who is the tallest, who is the fastest.
Primary school-age children
Many children's self-esteem falls when they start school and have to cope in a strange new situation with lots of other new children and new rules to learn. Self-esteem in the primary school years is about how well children manage the learning tasks of the school, how they do at sport, how they look and how they can make friends with other children. Stresses at home such as parents fighting with each other can affect children's self-esteem. So can problems at school such as having trouble with schoolwork, being bullied or not having friends.
What parents can do
For almost all parents there are times when you worry about your child's self-esteem.
Here are some things you can do to help.
- Tell your child often that you love her and let her see that you are glad she is who she is.
- Show your child that you love her by spending time with her, listening to her point of view, and being willing to help her achieve her goals, eg. drive her to sport and watch when she plays.
- Support her school work - take an interest without taking over. Support school working bees or tuck shop if you can.
- Encourage friendships and make her friends welcome and get to know them.
- If she needs extra help with school work try to provide this but don't make all her life practise at what she is not good at - children need to practise what they are good at to feel successful.
- Talk with the teacher. A good relationship between school and home is very important.
- Help your child to explore any hobbies that she is interested in.
- Help your child feel that she is needed in your family. Within reason for the child's age, ask and expect some help with the family chores such as feeding pets, setting the table etc (not just clean up her own mess but contribute to the family).
- Let your child assist you with something eg teenagers may be better than you at making the video work.
- When you play games with your primary school age child make sure that she has opportunities to win. If children win sometimes it is easier for them to learn to be good losers.
- Involve them in the wider family; help them to know their relatives and about your family and its history.
- Keep special mementoes of their successes and important milestones.
- Keep little family rituals eg story at bedtime, kiss goodbye and the other ways of doing things that are special to your family.
- Celebrate achievements and successes.
- Don't solve all problems for your child. Help her learn problem solving skills and learn to feel that she can manage many things for herself. Show her that you have faith in her.
Messages that help destroy children's self-esteem
- Ignoring them and not taking an interest in them.
- Messages that say you do not like the child eg "I love you but I don't like you."
- "You are..." messages that say something bad about them as people eg "You are...lazy, untidy, naughty, a nuisance, a bully, shy, a sook....."
- Comparing them with others, especially brothers and sisters.
- Giving messages that life would be better without them eg "If it weren't for the children we could have a good holiday" or "I wish you hadn't been born."
- Threatening to leave them if they do not do as you wish.
- Frowning and/or sighing when they want to talk to you or ask you for something.
Resources
Books for Parents
Baron S, Ingham K "21 ways to build your teenagers self esteem.... and enjoy being a parent again" 1995.
References
Gilligan, R. "Adversity, resilience and young people: the protective value of positive school and spare time experiences" in Children & Society, 14 (2000), 37-47.
Davis-Kean, Pamela and Sandler H. "A Meta-analysis of measure of self-esteem for young children: a framework for future measures" in Child Development May/June 2001 72 (3) 887-906.
