Dependence vs independence
Eileen Hayes
It's tricky encouraging your child to do as much as he's capable of, while making sure he doesn't get too discouraged by difficult things. But these tips may guide you in the right direction.
Let them find their own way
The journey towards becoming an independent adult starts in babyhood, with your child wanting to try things for himself.
You may find it hard to keep up when your child switches from being demanding one minute to being clingy and afraid to let go of you the next. Such rapid mood swings are common.
It helps to try to understand the emotional world of a small child and the confusion they often feel.
Developing independence
You can encourage your toddler to be more independent of you by doing the following:
- Accept some behaviours - defiance and disobedience, or refusing to comply with your requests, are essential parts of your toddler's growth into an individual.
- Follow your toddler's lead - if he wants to cling to you, let him; if he wants to do things his own way, go along with it as far as is reasonable.
- Keep your expectations reasonable - stubborn opposition and resentment of parental control are the norm.
- Use distraction - you may find it impossible to get your toddler to follow orders without upset. It's much smarter to use diversion tactics or allow him to make choices and offer him some control.
- Avoid orders and ultimatums - lead and teach rather than getting into power struggles.
He may also seem to resent almost any form of control by you. He wants to get dressed by himself and feed himself - the contrary behaviour that results from this is quite normal, even if you find it irritating.
Handling clingy behaviour
It helps to realise that you're the most important person in your child's life. A fear of strangers and separation from you is completely natural.
You may find it quite annoying when your toddler acts in this way. It may be because you need your toddler to be able to manage without you - you may be returning to work or having time for yourself, for example. On the other hand, you may like it, as it makes you feel needed.
Separation anxiety
This is the developmental stage when your toddler gets upset when you leave him, even if it's only to pop to the loo. It often starts at around nine months and can go on well into the second year, or even longer.
Learning to handle separation is difficult for parents and children, but it does get gradually easier.
Meanwhile, try the following:
- Do all you can to build security - give lots of love and attention, cuddle up or play together.
- Keep separations short - when you need to leave your toddler, especially for the first few times, try to keep separations short and allow enough time for your child to get to know his carer first.
- Reassure your child - even quite short partings, such as going to nursery for the morning, may be difficult. Always take time to talk to your child in advance about what's happening and reassure him you'll be coming back.
- Never just sneak away - even though goodbyes can be upsetting, it's less worrying for your child than if you just disappear. Be positive and upbeat and try not to string out your goodbye. Taking ages to leave or acting worried only passes on your anxiety to your child.
- 'The velcroed toddler' - if your child clings to you even when you're simply going about your everyday business at home or at the shops, try to stay calm and carry on. It may not be easy to make lunch or talk to someone while your child's clamped on to you, but he'll feel more secure soon.
