TEACHING HONESTY

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Liar, Liar... Encouraging Kids To Be Honest

Children lie for the same reasons that adults lie, to escape punishment, to avoid disapproval or just to make things easier for themselves.

Young children are very transparent and it's obvious when they lie. As they get older they become more adept at deceit and unfortunately become better liars. The best tactic is to make sure openness is recognised and rewarded in the earlier years when it's easier to spot lies.

I never!
Lies like 'I didn't do it' or 'someone else did it' come from fear of punishment or disapproval. Separate the misdemeanor from the lie. Mistakes happen and your child should understand that you don't expect her to be perfect. You do, however, expect her to be honest.

Caught red-handed
If you're sure she's guilty, make it easy for her to own up. Instead of asking 'Did you break your sister's toy?' say 'I notice her toy is broken. Do you have a plan to make it up to her?' This shows you're calm about the misdemeanor and are concentrating on finding a solution to the problem.

Don't play policeman
Avoid trick questions to catch her out. This tells your daughter that you expect her to lie and are trying to trap her. Try to convey the message that you expect her to tell the truth.

If she lies, don't force a confession. State simply that what she says doesn't sound like the truth to you. Tell her that you know she may feel scared of telling the truth. Suggest that she take half an hour or so to think and you can talk together about it later. Be calm and avoid an accusing tone.

Fibbing not Lying
No child is a liar by nature. Don't look at lying as a sign that she will be a bad person. Most adults understand that the lies children tell are usually very trivial - that's why we call them 'fibs' which is much more appropriate for what children do. Lying happens because it is preferable to telling the truth and perhaps your child is afraid to tell the truth. Once she has told the lie is she afraid to own up, because then she will be in big trouble for lying. Remember her age: in some cases will have difficulty in distinguishing truth from fantasy.

Truth and consequences
Don't say she won't be punished if she tells the truth. Letting her off the hook like this doesn't solve any problems. But make it clear that she will be in worse trouble for lying. Point out the consequences of lies - someone else will be blamed, people won't trust you in future.

Once she owns up, don't lecture or get angry because she lied to you before. Don't label her a liar. Once it's over, forget about it. Show appreciation for owning up and telling the truth.

Make it easy for her to own up
Take a softly softly approach. If you know she is lying, don't get upset. Say very gently ' Is that really true? I don't think so, do you?' . Say it with a smile. Make it easy for her to own up to a lie.
And then...
Acknowledge her honesty and praise her for telling the truth. Say something like, 'I'm glad you didn't tell me a fib. I like it much better when you tell me the truth.' If she gets positive response to telling the truth or admitting to telling a lie, then she is more likely to stick to the truth.